Wednesday, January 9, 2013

ADMIT DEFEAT

“You have to use more will power." My mother frowned at my weight gain. She took me to a place that advertised “weight loss guaranteed,” because she loved me and believed in me. I was fourteen.

"Follow the rules and use will power," she told me.

My mother would've done anything to help me, but in this, she was wrong.

When I gave birth to my first child, my husband, hating to see my despair, said, “Use your willpower. I know you can do it."

My husband was wrong.

In my thirties I tipped the scale over two hundred pounds. By now I had tried several diets, but gave up on each one. Doctors gave me the only advice they knew. "Use your willpower. Push back from the table."

My doctors were well meaning, but they were wrong.

I kicked myself for not being able to handle any diet. "I need to use more will power."

I was wrong.

I went to a psychiatrist. He sympathized and gave me pills to help me cope with life. “Stop eating before you're stuffed, and your mental problems will stabilize. God gave us will power to use."

He was the expert, but he didn't understand. He was wrong.

I turned fifty and health problems appeared, many due to my weight of two hundred fifty. The medical doctors explained my health would improve if I’d lose some weight.

Why hadn't I thought of that?

Through a Christian weight group and a twelve step program, I learned I had been following the best advice I had been given. I had used my will power in all situations. My relentless will pushed me to more and more food and rebellion against God’s desire for my life. I call it won’t power because inside I told myself I WON’T do what everyone says I should do. I can’t control much in my life, but I decided I WILL eat what I want.

The determination was so inconsequential and on such a deep level, I didn’t realize it was my guiding force in life. I started at a young age being independent and standing on my own feet using my WILL POWER OR MY WON’T POWER to take the wheel of my engine and become the captain of my ship. This was all I knew. I would make it happen. Despite any advantage to living another way, I directed my eating habits, returning again and again to ones that would destroy me.

I am a fixer; I fix everything and everyone, but me.
Are you what’s broken?
ADMIT DEFEAT
Give up on willpower. It's really WON'T power.
Submit to God power.

Watch next week for the 10 signs to look for in determining if you have a food compulsion.

Are there any stories out there that resemble mine?

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